Bye to other therapist.

Today I said bye to my other therapist, Becca. It was hard but not as hard as it was saying bye to Ciara. I didn't cry but I think that was because I already cried so much saying bye to Ciara so I was conditioned. I am going back on Wednesday morning to pick up my art from Ciara. I will see her again. I am glad but I hope I don't cry again. I know it is a good thing that I am being transferred to a different therapist who can provide me more care and a different type of therapy. Art therapy is going to be good for me. We talked about what we remembered from therapy this year. We talked about the summer and how I made it through the whole summer camp experience/job with their help. Becca talked about when I first saw her and how they told her that she would be a good fit for me. They were right. She really understood me. I hope this new therapist can understand me on that level. We talked about the hospital stays and runs. How we laughed sometimes when it was hard. I don't know today just seemed unreal in a way. She said its not forever and I can come back in the future when I have some things more under control. I am beginning to believe that this could be a new step in my future that is good. I didn't think I would say that but I am. I thought I had to stay in school to continue therapy with them, which you do have to be a student but now I am free to not be in school , to take a break. I will still have a therapist. I am hoping that this new step in my life can be a good step. Where I find a full time job, start playing music again, teach piano and swimming, go swimming, learn to love myself and life to the fullest. right now I don't feel that I love life. I told Becca that I felt like we had a friendship, she felt that way too. She gave me a card that she made that had a orange sky with clouds on it and inside there are clouds in a blue sky. The idea came from Ciara when she told me that people will tell you that the sky is orange but really the sky is blue. Meaning that when people tell you that you are no good, or in the way, or anything else that people/society makes you believe then you remember that its not true and remember what Becca and Ciara believe. They believe that I am worth it, a kind person, very relisant, compassionate, they just believe that I am overall good. I need to remember and believe that. My year with them has helped me believe it just a little bit more than I believed last year. I now have two people I can think about when I need to think about positive people in my life. They will always be in my heart and they said I will be in theirs. Its interesting how such a relationship can form when people really care about each other. I hope to have more relationships like this in my life. I just have to believe that it is possible.

caring therapist

So today was the day I let go of one of my therapists. I have two therapists who work in the same office. I have been there 11 months. Last month they told me that they are referring me to a community therapist where I can get more help than they can give. That literally broke my heart. I have become so attached to them because they actually cared about me as a person. They got to know me and they helped me in so many ways stay alive. So for a month now we have been preparing for this day, the day that I would say goodbye. I don't care how much preparing you do, its not enough. I was in her office today, trying not to cry and we talked and laughed a little about things that have happened in the past year. Bottom line is alot happened. Ciara, my therapist, gave me a stone that says "remember". I cried because there is so much to remember. I will start with what she wants me to remember. She wants me to remember that I am a good person, that I am amazing, that I am caring, that I will have a great future, that I will become who I want to be, that I deserve help and I deserve to have people care about me, and I deserve to have friends. I don't remember everything she said because I was thinking of all the things that we did together. We rode in a cop car at least two times to the hospital when I felt like killing myself. She actually rode with me and tried to tell me that everything would be ok and that she cared. She cared and still does. We talked about how she called on Christmas to see how I was doing. I was amazed at that. That someone would actually call me on Christmas. She didn't have to do that. She helped me get through the summer and finish my summer job as a Waterfront Director. There were so many days that I felt like quitting but I didn't, I didn't give up because she believed in me. The thing she told me is that she still cares, she will always care, I will be in her heart and if I really need her she is there. If someone ever asks me again what I want to be when I grew up I will say to be a therapist like Ciara because her heart is so big. I cry because I will miss her laugh, her jokes, and her kindness. The thing is that because she cares so much she is transferring me, not because that is the easy way out but because she cares. I left my peach bear with her and she gave me the remember stone. When I hold that stone I will remember Ciara and how much she cares. Its hard to say goodbye to someone so amazing. Its hard but like she said its not forever. I don't know life will take me but I have to believe that this is just the next chapter in my book. I so need to write that book because my life is important. That is something I learned from Ciara. I need to write a book so that I can give back to the world that put Ciara in my life. Life is not easy and I feel lonely at times but I have to believe that things happen for a reason. On Monday I will go through this process again with my other therapist, as hard as it is I am going to another therapist who I believe will be nice and care. I am going to a place where I can have art therapy, talk therapy, and be in a art group and other groups where I will meet people who have gone through the same struggles that I have gone through. So its really not the end of my journary its the beginning of the next chapter.

Life

So this week has been a emotionally hard one. I just feel so numb right now. I don't know what to think about life anymore. I am going to be seeing a new therapist on Monday and I don't know what to think about that. Soon I won't be able to see my other therapists and I feel so sad about that but coming to grips with it now. I think I will always have a hole in my heart for them, they will always be there just like Kate McGrayel. I wish I knew what happened to her, she just vanished from life. I still remember that last day I spoke to her at the park in Bloomington. She was so different, starving herself, asked me about bipolar disorder and told me she was reading a book I was reading. I just didn't think she would disappear. I wish she would reappear into my life. I want to help her. She told me that if she ever strayed from God I should help her but I cannot help her if I don't know where she is. I feel like she could be in Indianapolis and I wouldn't know it. I just pray that she is ok. So many people have come and gone from my life, its no wonder I don't really reach out for human contact anymore. I wish that someone would come into my life that would stay forever and love me. I just am tired of being alone. I want to share my life with someone, I feel so empty right now. I don't feel like I am really alive, I am just doing life. I thought I would have a family by now. I really thought I would be different than I am. I don't like who I am right now but I guess I am stuck with it. So anyway I will go to bed tonight and pray that God might bring people into my life that will change my life for the good.

tired

I feel so nervous today. Its like living life on the edge, never knowing what will happen next. I wish I could focus on one thing instead of thinking of a thousand different things. I didn't sleep well last night so I am super tired today.

Pieces and parts

Another day. Nothing makes me happy. I went to work, ate McDonalds which is the worse decision on earth, now back home just wanting to go to bed. I feel like multiple people and just because my body is sitting does not mean that is what my mind is doing. M calls and asks me how I am doing, don't know what to say to her because if I say I am fine which is really what she wants to hear I would be lying to her which she really does not want me to do. But really does she care how I feel or would she understand why. I really don't have the energy to explain things to her. If she wanted to be a part of my emotional life she should have jumped on the train years ago. Its so late now, so late to try and explain how my life experiences has shaped me into this indivdual who she doesn't like. Its hard to say because I know on so many levels she wanted this perfect life for me that didn't happen. Honestly, I have nobody but this computer screen to talk to and I guess whoever else is reading this. I don't know who I am anymore. I wake up and really what I thought today was go back to sleep. Pieces of me are everywhere, literally. I am supposed to be working, studying for school, having relationships, talking with family, but instead I am here at home in bed. Nobody will ever understand me. I don't understand me how do I expect other people to understand me. If I don't understand myself, then nobody else can be expected to. I do have goals in my life but they keep getting stamashed by things. I feel myself going farther from everything. Honestly, family wants family therapy, don't know how that will work, we all need so much work, who do we start with first, well I guess they think I am the worst so we start with me. This is going to be funny, I mean I won't be laughing but how far are we going to get? They won't get very far with me unless they are open to understanding all of me and I mean ALL of me. I don't understand this world, I don't really even know if I want to live in this world anymore. I look at my cats and they keep me going but why does this world have to be so harsh? Why can't I figure out my life? On so many levels I have been trying to figure this world out and not figured it out yet.

Where did I go?

There is no hope for me left in this world. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel sick. I don't want to eat and I just want to sleep. There still is a part of me that is trying to live but its so hard right now. Its so hard trying to live without friends. I have myself and me. I don't know anymore. I don't even want to watch a netflix movie. I don't really want to go to work tomorrow but I better because if I don't then I don't have money. I need money. I need to feel better too. Do I just go take some medicine that will make me sleep tonight and forget about trying to accomplish anything tonight? I feel so depressed. Life is not fun anymore and life just has no meaning. I really can't think to work, I really should be canceling tomorrow and going to school and getting some homework done. Really, I should try and find someone to take over my shift for me. I don't feel well and its just not worth it. Everything in my life feels hard right now. I just feel like I am going downhill. I don't know anymore. I don't know what life is about and how I am suppossed to feel about it. I did just about nothing today. What is happening to me? Why do I feel so alone and that I have nobody to talk to? This is a feeling I know all to well. Alone, in the dark wondering if anyone loves me, wondering if I can continue to fight this internal battle. Everyday is a fight, I feel like I am just going though the motions of life. I feel like I need a miracle to happen to get my life back. Where did I go? What happened to me? Why do I feel so lost in this world? I didn't enjoy anypart of today. I just slept. I feel so much stress because I feel that doing school is really hard right now. I don't have anyone to talk to about anything. That is life and someday maybe the light will shine on my part of the world. Maybe someday I will be a better person and I will figure out who I am.

I don't know......

I don't know anymore. I don't have any answers. I am not sure if I should be alive. I am questioning myself on so many levels. I don't know if I should be alive anymore. Why does the world have to be so complicated? When do we really begin to love ourself? How can you love yourself when you feel so much pain and nobody cares? I feel that I am the rock in my family. I am the bad part that needs cutting out. I feel that I cannot love anymore. I cannot feel. Whats happening to me? Who am I? I cannot answer that right now because I don't feel real. The world doesn't feel real. Swim lessons got canceled, probably a good thing. I have school work but I cannot do it. I want a family. I want a life. I want a good career. Somehow I don't feel that I will ever have any of that stuff. I am not capable of good things. Nobody should love me. Nobody should care about me. Its a good thing they shouldn't because they don't. If I ever feel loved its because my mind is somehow making it up. I feel scared. I feel confused. I wonder what life is about. I don't want to live but I don't want to die. I don't know what to do anymore. Lonely, that is how I feel all the time even if I have friends because they do not know the real me. Alone, that is what I will always be. Hell, that is where I am going. Heaven, not where I am going. I am bad. I don't deserve to be loved. These are the things that go around my head today. These are the thoughts I cannot get away from. How can you run from these thoughts? Wish I just had one person I could talk to. Wish I had one person who really beleived me no matter what. Wish I had one person I could really talk to with no judgement. Somehow that will never happen. I will be alone. I feel black inside. I feel black inside with no light. I feel that there is no light and never will be any. Somehow I wish I could love myself even if it was only a little bit.