Life

So this week has been a emotionally hard one. I just feel so numb right now. I don't know what to think about life anymore. I am going to be seeing a new therapist on Monday and I don't know what to think about that. Soon I won't be able to see my other therapists and I feel so sad about that but coming to grips with it now. I think I will always have a hole in my heart for them, they will always be there just like Kate McGrayel. I wish I knew what happened to her, she just vanished from life. I still remember that last day I spoke to her at the park in Bloomington. She was so different, starving herself, asked me about bipolar disorder and told me she was reading a book I was reading. I just didn't think she would disappear. I wish she would reappear into my life. I want to help her. She told me that if she ever strayed from God I should help her but I cannot help her if I don't know where she is. I feel like she could be in Indianapolis and I wouldn't know it. I just pray that she is ok. So many people have come and gone from my life, its no wonder I don't really reach out for human contact anymore. I wish that someone would come into my life that would stay forever and love me. I just am tired of being alone. I want to share my life with someone, I feel so empty right now. I don't feel like I am really alive, I am just doing life. I thought I would have a family by now. I really thought I would be different than I am. I don't like who I am right now but I guess I am stuck with it. So anyway I will go to bed tonight and pray that God might bring people into my life that will change my life for the good.

tired

I feel so nervous today. Its like living life on the edge, never knowing what will happen next. I wish I could focus on one thing instead of thinking of a thousand different things. I didn't sleep well last night so I am super tired today.

Pieces and parts

Another day. Nothing makes me happy. I went to work, ate McDonalds which is the worse decision on earth, now back home just wanting to go to bed. I feel like multiple people and just because my body is sitting does not mean that is what my mind is doing. M calls and asks me how I am doing, don't know what to say to her because if I say I am fine which is really what she wants to hear I would be lying to her which she really does not want me to do. But really does she care how I feel or would she understand why. I really don't have the energy to explain things to her. If she wanted to be a part of my emotional life she should have jumped on the train years ago. Its so late now, so late to try and explain how my life experiences has shaped me into this indivdual who she doesn't like. Its hard to say because I know on so many levels she wanted this perfect life for me that didn't happen. Honestly, I have nobody but this computer screen to talk to and I guess whoever else is reading this. I don't know who I am anymore. I wake up and really what I thought today was go back to sleep. Pieces of me are everywhere, literally. I am supposed to be working, studying for school, having relationships, talking with family, but instead I am here at home in bed. Nobody will ever understand me. I don't understand me how do I expect other people to understand me. If I don't understand myself, then nobody else can be expected to. I do have goals in my life but they keep getting stamashed by things. I feel myself going farther from everything. Honestly, family wants family therapy, don't know how that will work, we all need so much work, who do we start with first, well I guess they think I am the worst so we start with me. This is going to be funny, I mean I won't be laughing but how far are we going to get? They won't get very far with me unless they are open to understanding all of me and I mean ALL of me. I don't understand this world, I don't really even know if I want to live in this world anymore. I look at my cats and they keep me going but why does this world have to be so harsh? Why can't I figure out my life? On so many levels I have been trying to figure this world out and not figured it out yet.

Where did I go?

There is no hope for me left in this world. I have no motivation to do anything. I feel sick. I don't want to eat and I just want to sleep. There still is a part of me that is trying to live but its so hard right now. Its so hard trying to live without friends. I have myself and me. I don't know anymore. I don't even want to watch a netflix movie. I don't really want to go to work tomorrow but I better because if I don't then I don't have money. I need money. I need to feel better too. Do I just go take some medicine that will make me sleep tonight and forget about trying to accomplish anything tonight? I feel so depressed. Life is not fun anymore and life just has no meaning. I really can't think to work, I really should be canceling tomorrow and going to school and getting some homework done. Really, I should try and find someone to take over my shift for me. I don't feel well and its just not worth it. Everything in my life feels hard right now. I just feel like I am going downhill. I don't know anymore. I don't know what life is about and how I am suppossed to feel about it. I did just about nothing today. What is happening to me? Why do I feel so alone and that I have nobody to talk to? This is a feeling I know all to well. Alone, in the dark wondering if anyone loves me, wondering if I can continue to fight this internal battle. Everyday is a fight, I feel like I am just going though the motions of life. I feel like I need a miracle to happen to get my life back. Where did I go? What happened to me? Why do I feel so lost in this world? I didn't enjoy anypart of today. I just slept. I feel so much stress because I feel that doing school is really hard right now. I don't have anyone to talk to about anything. That is life and someday maybe the light will shine on my part of the world. Maybe someday I will be a better person and I will figure out who I am.

I don't know......

I don't know anymore. I don't have any answers. I am not sure if I should be alive. I am questioning myself on so many levels. I don't know if I should be alive anymore. Why does the world have to be so complicated? When do we really begin to love ourself? How can you love yourself when you feel so much pain and nobody cares? I feel that I am the rock in my family. I am the bad part that needs cutting out. I feel that I cannot love anymore. I cannot feel. Whats happening to me? Who am I? I cannot answer that right now because I don't feel real. The world doesn't feel real. Swim lessons got canceled, probably a good thing. I have school work but I cannot do it. I want a family. I want a life. I want a good career. Somehow I don't feel that I will ever have any of that stuff. I am not capable of good things. Nobody should love me. Nobody should care about me. Its a good thing they shouldn't because they don't. If I ever feel loved its because my mind is somehow making it up. I feel scared. I feel confused. I wonder what life is about. I don't want to live but I don't want to die. I don't know what to do anymore. Lonely, that is how I feel all the time even if I have friends because they do not know the real me. Alone, that is what I will always be. Hell, that is where I am going. Heaven, not where I am going. I am bad. I don't deserve to be loved. These are the things that go around my head today. These are the thoughts I cannot get away from. How can you run from these thoughts? Wish I just had one person I could talk to. Wish I had one person who really beleived me no matter what. Wish I had one person I could really talk to with no judgement. Somehow that will never happen. I will be alone. I feel black inside. I feel black inside with no light. I feel that there is no light and never will be any. Somehow I wish I could love myself even if it was only a little bit.

So many questions.

When will I ever feel ok? When will I be excited about life? I wish these were not the questions that I have to deal with everyday but I do. I have to deal with these questions and more. At this point in my life I realize there is more than one me but not everybody in my life understands this. I have a hard time sensing the change. I just feel different, everything is more comoplicated. My life seems like a never ending nightmare. One day its ok and the next I don't know whats happening. I wish I could explain to the people close to me but I can't, they wouldn't get the living hell I live in everyday. I mean the thoughts I have to deal with. The thoughts about not being good enough, not wanting to live, trying to think about the future and school and work. All these things don't always go together, at least not in my mind. My mind feels like its on fire sometimes and other times feels nothing. I question wheather my memories are real or not, I question if life is real. How do you know something is real? Is it because it hurts, is it because you feel sad? What makes something real? I wish I knew because I don't feel real. I don't feel real at all. I feel hurt, sad, confused, lost, lonely but not real. I am beginning to lose the point of life. What is the point of life? How do you relate with everyone in life? How do I even begin to sort out my life? Is it worth it? These are the questions I continue to have. Nothing is really steady in life. Not even family. I wish I knew what was happening to me. I wish I knew so many things that I don't know. I don't know how to live, I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have motivation to do the things I normally would do. I don't have the energy to do it. I don't believe in myself anymore. Today I totally wasted but felt sad the whole day. I tried to do different things but it leads me back to the same feeling of emptiness and saddness. I feel sad today, I will feel sad tomorrow and the next. It seems like that is a constant feeling. I don't like this feeling but I just feel so alone. My mind is racing in circles, its racing so fast everything is going in circles. I wish I could feel alive. What does it mean to feel alive? I wish I had friends. I wish I could feel happy.

Hard day

Me and my mom got into a fight about my life. She wants to see my medical files and I dont feel like I have to let her. Its not like she honestly really cares. She just wants to make sure her name isn't in them. Honestly over the past 10 years I have been batteling life she really hasn't been in my world. She has been around and she has supported me money wise but emotionally she has not been there. She tells me how much my dad loves me and I just don't see it. If he did he would show it in a different way then he is showing it. Right now, I am living on the edge of life. Sometimes I really want to live and other times I really just want to die. I am so tired of living in a world that doesn't get me and that I am the bad person. I am tired of trying to pretend I am ok when I am not. My mom said she called my therapist and talked to her and I believe that is why they are transferring me. I am not going to let my mom know where I go, if I even go. I think I am going to take myself off of all medicines. We don't really need them. We can survive without them actually we can survive with nothing. I have so much crap filling my mind right now that I feel like I can't type it all into sentences. My parents are trying to get refinced on the house and it feels like that is more important than me. I have to come up with $240 by Monday or I am off the payment plan and I won't be able to register for next semester classes. Honestly, I hate myself. Since my therapists dumped me I really don't have anyone to talk to. I have been filling that gap with food which I need to stop. I need to stop eating so much and fill that void with sleeping, studying or excersising. I wish I could really find someone to love me but that won't happen so I must give that up. Why does life have to be so filled with crap and why do I always feel alone. My mom says she loves me but I don't know. I love her but I am sure she doesnt feel that. I don't know anymore what I want to do with my life. I wish I knew.

Summer camp

There are so many struggles in every life. I need just a little hope that life is going to be different for me. I am trying to go through my day smiling because they say fake it till you make it but my mind keeps thinking about how people let me down and how lonely I feel. In this big world full of so many people and things to do why do I feel so alone? This summer was one of the hardest summers of my life. I worked at a camp for children with disabilites but they taught me so much. Mostly they taught me that everyone is important no matter what. I miss camp so much. There was no judgement, you were who you were and that was good enough. In the beginning I thought I had to be perfect, I thought I had to be the perfect leader that had everything together but at the end of camp I realized that it didn't matter how imperfect I was as long as I was trying my hardest. Yes, I was a leader and a good one but that didn't exempt me from lifes ups and downs. Now, as I walk through this really hard time in my life I am trying to hold onto the love and connection I felt at camp. I know all those people still care about me but in this world by myself away from camp I don't feel love or connected. How can I get back that feeling of people caring? I felt alive at camp. My hope is that I will feel that love somehow here in the real world.

Today

Yesterday was a hard day. The people who I counted on the most let me down. I know maybe its for the best but it really doesn't feel like it. It just feels like another person decided I was too much to handle. They always say sleep on it and you will feel better. I don't. I still hurts as much as it did yesterday. There is a hole in my heart. It seems like the closer I get to people the more I get let down. Right in this moment I don't know how I feel. I feel a mix of emotions swirling around inside I me. I ate some breakfast even though I didn't want to. I knew if I didn't eat I would probably feel worse. I have test day in school. I haven't really been in the mood for much studying. I have studied and I am sure I will do ok. It just seems hard. Life seems hard right now. I feel like my heart is being jerked around. They say they care and want whats best but how can this be whats best? They say I can come back when I am better. Then that means I probably will never go back because I don't think I will ever be 100% better. I don't think that is possible. Anyway, today I feel alone again. I feel this everyday and don't know how to get it to go away.

People will let you down.

People will let you down. That is exactly what happened to me today. People who I have been counting on for 10 months decided that I was too complex to continue interacting with. I have trust issues and don't trust people easily but I really trusted this group of people. They seemed like they always cared about me and said they did but today when I was expecting it the least they decided to let me know that I can only see them for another month and then I will have to find another place. I cried and I cried because its so hard to realize that you truly are alone in this world. That just whenever people decide they can drop you and you are alone. They say its for my best but really how is telling someone you are too complex really helping them. I wish I was happy all the time, I wish I had all the answers and I wish I was perfect. I wish I had all the answers to lifes questions but I don't. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel totally alone in this world. People tell me I am smart, I am a great person but if I am then why I am constantly alone?  Why have I not found someone to love me for who I am? Why when I need people the most they are never there? I cry alone in my bedroom so often lately. I cry but the next day I walk out into the real world with a smile on my face and try my hardest to face the days struggles. I try my hardest to be normal. I try to do what I think is right. I try but somehow I am always falling short. I am falling short in life. I want to be successful. I want people to want to be around me. People tell me how talented I am, they tell me how compassionate and great I am but if I am all those things why is my life going in circles and I can never find the way out? I want to have a life that is worth living. I want a life that I can be happy and love someone, I want a family, I want to not be alone all the time. How do I find that love that I am looking for? I can a person be breaking inside and nobody cares? Please if you are reading my posts please leave comments. Thanks.

Fear

Right now I feel overwhelmed with life. I am not myself today, I am many people ever changing, I can feel it today more than ever. Everything is spinning so fast around me but I am going nowhere. Wonder if anyone else ever feels this way? I feel like I am stuck in a maze that has an easy solution but I can't seem to get it right. Every turn I make is the wrong turn that leads me back to where I started and some wrong turns are hurtful if not deadly. How many wrong turns have I made in my life? Where is my life going? These are the questions that fill my head today. These questions turn into essays in my head. I feel like I am the writer and editor today. I feel that when I talk to other people I must edit what I say in order to keep the mask that I am ok. If I was to describe my mask I would say that it is thick and black. "They" sometimes ask me what color I feel like and today I would say black. Black is my color which is usually my color because I feel like I am falling into a deep, dark hole of nothingness. Its not that I am bored or have nothing to do that I feel like this. Quite the opposite. I have so much to do but no motivation to do those things. When I do something I feel like I am pulling myself through something really sticky and meet everything with resistance. Resistance I am learning is a good and bad thing. It is good in that at the right time it will push you to doing better but at the wrong time it unmotivates you. That is where I am at. I see the sunlight outside and my brain wants to go for a walk but my body doesn't move. My body doesn't register that if it went outside it might feel a little better. Sometimes when I am outside I feel that I am weak and something could happen to me and lately that feeling in growing. I know I am old enough that I should be able to take care of myself, I should be ok with the world, I should be ok with who I am, I should be ok with so many things, but I am not. I hurt inside. The pain that I hold inside, keep locked away is weighing on me. I feel that a ton of rocks are sitting on me and I am still alive and all I can feel is the pain. Is it fear of the unknown that keeps me trapped? Is it fear that I might actually succeed in the world? What are you afraid of? What is haunting you so much that you feel you can't change?

Cats as a lifesaver

All I want to say tonight is that my cats save my life. I could say so much more on so many different topics but that really doesn't matter right now because my cats love me and that is all I need. They love me all the time even when I don't want to be loved they do. I feel so bad because sometimes I don't even feel like petting them but they give me my space and always come back to check on me. My cats are so special. I hope that I can love them the way they love me. I hope that they feel loved, that is my hope because sometimes I just don't feel like giving or recieving love and it must be so hard for them. So many thoughts going through my head right now but petting my cat I feel his love especially tonight for some reason. My cats are my lifesaver tonight.

Disappointment and fear

Where does the feeling of disappointment come from? That is a hard question to answer that I don't think there is an answer. For me right now I feel like I am disappointing everyone in my life even the people who are trying to help me. First, I disappoint myself because I wanted to make a difference in the world, I wanted to succeed at my goals and I am not doing that. Instead I feel awful inside and living becomes a daily struggle. Second, I am disappointing my family. They expect the perfect daughter who performs life at the highest level. They don't realize that I can't do that when I am hurting inside and out. Third, I am disappointing my friends because they try to give me advice on life and I don't seem to use it. I think the underneath disappointment lies fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of people, fear of not being good enough, fear of life itself. To be honest there really is alot to be afraid of in life if we really think about it but as humans we chose not to because we would all be paralzyed by the same fear I have. Fear of people, fear of traffic accidents and fear of the dark to name a few. Then there is the aspect of having to be perfect. On some level we all have that fear. The fear of inperfection, not being good enough, successful enough. If there could be a would where all these fears went away I would find a way to get there. So instead we try to learn to live in this world. There are people are do it better than others but we all try. I don't have any answers just a ton of thoughts that lead nowhere, thoughts that haunt me, thoughts that try to protect me, thoughts that maybe someday I will feel better, thoughts about dying, thoughts about living. What do you do with all these thoughts when they become so interwined that nothing makes sense anymore? So today I will try to live in this present world.

Rollarcoaster ride

So I am on the rollarcoaster again. Without being too graphic, I feel myself slipping back into old habits as a way with coping with everything. The thoughts race around my mind, I am trying so hard to fight them. When my thoughts say don't eat then I eat something but somehow I feel that I consume to much food and that I have no control. Why is my thoughts centered around food when they should be centered about being a successful person. Somehow I feel that I have failed at so much. I feel that no matter what I do I always end back up in the same place. I ate popcorn and grapes last night just to realize that I didn't need to eat that because I was not hungry I was just filling the terrible empty void inside of me. The sun is shining and I want to go outside today but taking the steps to get out there is so hard. Harder than its ever been. Realizing that I want to do well in school I feel that I must force myself to attend classes and do the homework. No matter if I want to take the classes or not it is against me to do poorly. This is the conflict making the person happy or making me happy and since making me happy is out of the question for now I guess I have to make the person happy. I feel as if the world is closing in around me and that any moment the world is going to open up and swallow me and parts of me don't care. How can that be? How can I not care about the dreams I once had. to list a few of those dreams: I wanted to write a book, I wanted to become a music teacher, I wanted to have a family, I wanted to travel, I wanted to become a music therapist, the list is endless because I used to dream, to think and to believe. What happened to all of that? Maybe that is part of my rollarcoaster journary. The part where a piece of me wants to follow my dreams but the other part realizes what reality I live in and the other part doesn't care anymore. So now I am back on the track of believing that if I can control what I eat I will somehow feel better. The problem is that no matter how much I want to get out and excerise I don't, there is the part of me that doesn't care. I don't think I have felt so much conflict with all the different parts of me as now. Inside there is a battle going on but I no longer want to fight this battle I no longer feel the energy to fight. There is an outside battle that I can't explain. I wish I had words for everything that I am feeling. I wish I had the answers but I don't so all I can do is continue to try and fight the fight without losing.

Lonely

Right now I am totally alone. I should be happy but I am not. I feel so alone and empty right now. I sit on my back porch and watch the familys play in the grass and I just wish even for a short time I had a family that I could play ball with in the grass or do something fun with. I wish I could feel loved for real. I never imagnined my life to be this way at 28 almost 29. I know its my fault that I am alone but trusting is so hard. I guess when the pain of being lonely is bad enough I will learn to trust. The pain of loniness is really hard right now along with other pain. I cant stop crying.

Nightmares

Last night I had one of the worst nightmares I have ever experienced. It was the worst because I was being hurt but everyone I knew was standing around watching and it was like normal to them. I have nightmares all the time where I wake up and feel like its happened all over again but last night it was even more horrible because it was so vivid and nobody cared that I felt bad. It was like I was everybodys entertainment. Usually nightmares don't contain many other people but this one did and for some reason it is sticking with me more than ever. I hate myself today more than ever and what I really hate is that every single night I wake up wet. How does that go together? It just brings up more bad memories. This morning I wanted to cut so badly because I am so tired of feeling like crap and waking up and not being me. I wake up and I am not me, I am a little version of myself. This morning it took me a full hour to wake up realize that I was in the year 2012 and get out of bed and go to the bathroom. That is not ok with me. First, it has never taken me so long to get my body to move. I was awake but my body would not move. Then I was standing in the bathroom and I remembered that I was suppose to teach swim lessons. I looked at the clock and had exactly 30 mins to be there. Which is possible if I hurry. My mind wanted to go but my body didn't know if it could. I did finally make it to teach swimming but I was totally spaced out. My students are so forgiving and understanding and just plain wonderful and I don't deserve to teach them. At times I wasn't sure what I was telling them but they just swam even when I didn't say anything because I had no words they swam and the whole time they had smiles on their faces. They didn't even realize the war going on inside of me and I was glad of that. After teaching I really wanted to stay and swim or run but decided that I should not because I didn't eat breakfast and I had no motivation to swim or run. At home now I feel like I need to do stuff for school but just can't. How can I take care of that little girl in me that I so often forget? I think the key to feeling better on any level is letting the little girl free. Letting her know she is loved, how will I do that when I hate my body? I know on some level I have to like myself but why is it that now I can't seem to find that? That nightmare I know is not true and people would not just stand around me and watch me being hurt but how do I tell my little girl that its going to be ok? Only I can figure that out and only I can free her. Even now, I am not me, I am some part of me thats hurting.

Conflict with the war inside

When all you know is pain than to think that there is a life without pain is really hard. Its hard to imagine that there is actually a way to feel alive inside again. When I think about my life and how many choices I have had to make I don't think its fair for one person to have to live with so much. I am strong, I have had to be strong to stay here on earth. I want to stay strong but its getting so much harder. I hate my body, its not my own body. I don't want to eat but I do because I know without eating I will grow weaker. I wish I didn't have to have so much pain inside me, I wish it could all go away, but it won't, not for a long time, not ever. I am defined by everything that has happened to me. Even though I don't want it to, it does. How can you live though so much and it not define you?  Tonight its so hard describing how I feel. I think I have came to a place in my life that I never thought would be possible. I am in conflict with the war inside. I know there are many parts of me but how many I don't know. Its a daily struggle. I don't think anyone understands what I feel like on the inside. I don't think anyone truly understands because some things are so easy to cover up. Some things are meant to be kept a secret. That is the struggle, keeping the secret and letting the person inside free. Parts of me feel so trapped sometimes, even if in reality we are standing in an open field the trapped feeling is still there. How do you live free from the memories? How does one understand fully the meaning of life? Just when you think that the memories are gone, more appear, some deeper, some darker. I don't want to remember anymore but its not so easy turning the memories off. There are great days, there are dark days but when the dark days outnumber the great days then I am sad. Tonight I am sad. I have nobody to tell this to so I will pretend someone is reading this, so I can pretend someone is there. I am sad for all the lost time, I am sad for all the lost great memories that could have been made. I am sad for the little girl who had to be perfect and never was. I am sad because I lost hope that what I want for my life will really happen. I know they say I am strong, they say I am a good person, they say I am worth it, they say things that I know are truth but they feel like somebody elses truth. So I hold onto what they say because honestly its all I got. I hold onto it because it keeps me believing that life is worth living. I hold onto the fact that they care. You are probably asking who are "they"? I cannot tell you who "they" are but they know who they are. They are the only constant in my world. If I could do anything in the world I would want to do what they do because everytime I talk to them the sun comes out even if its just for a little while. So instead of trying to figure out who "they" are just try to bring some sunshine into someones life this weekend. Look for someone who might need a friend and just be there for them unconditionally. That is what "they" do and it makes a world of difference.

The empty feeling

Do you ever feel that what you really want in life is so far from your reach? That is how I feel right now. I know what I want from life. I want to someone to love me for who I am, I want a baby and a family, I want to feel alive when I wake up in the morning. I want to know that someone cares about how I feel on the me level. I don't know if its just me but living alone in an apartment is emotionally really hard. I have been living alone for so long that I am almost afraid to live with someone. I feel that I am getting so old that I will be set in my ways and won't be able to tolerate living with someone else. My heart cries out everyday now, wanting to be with someone who is capable of real love. After so many years does it matter what I want anymore? I look around at most of the people I know and they seem to be happy with their life. I am not, I am good at faking that I am happy but on the inside I am not ok. I am dying and everyday that I continue to live alone not reaching out for human contact I die a little more. One of my greatest fears outside of someone hurting me is being alone my whole life and not having a child. I wish I knew why I am depressed almost everyday feeling alone. What changed? I have lived by myself for many years and never have I felt so alone. I feel that my life is closing in around me. Everything that I have ever wanted feels like its going away. My motivation for life is dying out, I can't continue pretending that I am ok when I am not. Yes, I go to school and work. Yes, I have two cats that I love but I don't even feel like petting them. Am I alone in this or do more people feel this way? Dont get me wrong I still enjoy swimming and a few other things they just don't fullfill me in the way they used to. I see people with babies and I wish I was them. They might have a terrible life but all I see is the baby. I human, something I can love. Isn't that what we all want? To love and be loved. Its so hard thinking that I will be alone my whole life. The grey cloud weighs me down today. Hopefully tomorrow will be different, that is what I keep telling myself everyday. Some days the sun does come out and I stop feeling so alone but other days the clouds come out. I wish the only emotion I had to worry about was lonely but its not. I have fear and anger from being hurt. That was when my life changed. It changed when someone took a part of me and I felt empty. The struggle has been filling that part of my back up. The problem is I keep filling it up but before it gets full it emptys again. Something else happens and I am back to where I started. What did I do, did I trust someone who let me down again? Probably, people hurt other people and that is what I am scared of. How long will I live in fear? That is what keeps me feeling empty is knowing that I am scared of being hurt so much that I remove myself from any situation where I might actually connect with another human on some level. How long will this last and how am I going to reclaim my life and who I am?

Letting the pain out

I am huring inside and nobody knows because I am so super good at covering it up. I think my biggest problem apart from my trust issues with people is that I am lonely. Lets start at my trust issues. People have hurt me, people continue to hurt me and people continue to not care about my feelings. I think that if I ever met someone that honestly cared about me than I might be able to trust that person but until someone cares how I really feel I cannot even begin to trust them. What hurts me the most is the people closest to me have no idea the pain I feel inside almost everyday. When I wake up in the morning my stomach physically hurts from the nightmares that I cannot seem to get away from no matter how hard I try. I am beginning to believe that these nightmares will always be around because they are a part of me and things happened whether I want or chose to believe or remember. The memories are there, they always will be. That brings us to the next topic of feeling lonely. I feel so alone everyday. I don't care how many friends I have on Facebook lets face it that they don't matter if they are not for real. If you don't make real contact with them they honestly don't exist. Facebook is a great tool for keeping in touch with people using photos and stuff but if you really feel alone like I do, facebook does not help. I wish I knew a way that I could be more connected to people in my life but I don't and when I do get close to people, I get scared. Guess what happens then, you are right, I disappear out of their life. I have so much pain and hurt locked inside me and I don't want anyone else to know. The hurt and the pain doesn't just go away because I wish it would, its staying around until I deal with it.  People are a sum total of everything that has happened to them. If you got hurt, you have trust issues. Its that simple but its not that simple to heal. Healing is the really hard part and it starts with letting someone in your life take a little piece of the pain. I have a really hard time with letting others know how I feel but when I do its like I am taking a part of my life back. Yes, I almost always start making myself feel bad for telling someone else because I don't want them to feel like I did. The problem is they don't hurt like you did because it didn't really happen to them. You are just letting them know about it so you dont' feel so alone in the world. So I ask you who are you going to trust enough to let a little of your pain out so you don't have to carry the world on your shoulders?

Friendship

Do you ever wonder how someone else feels when you walk past them in the grocery store, on campus, or standing close to them in the elevator?  As humans we are supposed to feel emotions and care about each other but society keeps us so busy that rarely do we ever think about life through someone elses eyes. Instead we honk the horn at somebody if they don't move fast enough at a green light, or we think someone is stupid if they can't multi-task. Everyday is a struggle and if you say its not you probably are lying to yourself. Do you ever wonder how often we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves we are ok? We are programmed to tell people we are ok, fine, or good. Its not ok to be depressed or sad but yet its a normal human reaction and feeling. Why can't society allow people to express how they honestly feel without judgement? I am not saying everybody is bad and I won't say everybody is good. I am sure a large percentage of the human population has compassion and does care. Whats hard for me is when I am sad or feel lonely, I feel that is not ok so I don't tell anyone not even the friends who told me I could text them whenever. You ask, what am I afraid of? I am afraid of losing them as friends. I know I am not alone in this feeling because how is it possible to always be ok, good, or fine? Facebook gives people a false belief that they have friends. Facebook allows you to think you have 100, 300, or even 500 friends but in reality, you do not have that many friends. I think that the word friend get used way to often and nobody actually knows how to be a friend. What do friends do that other people don't? I honestly cannot answer that because I am not sure I have had a true friend long enough to honestly tell you what a true friend does. I think the closest I have come to understanding true friendship is through my therapist. That may seem weird or not allowed but through talking to my therapist I realize that so many people just take up space in my life or even worse hurt me. I know a therapist gets paid to talk and listen to clients but there is something about mine that is different. I can tell she cares about me and my life. She is more than a person on a couch listening to me talk, she honestly cares if I live or die. That one person is the only thing keeping me alive. So I ask you to think who you will talk to today and really listen to what they need to say, encourage them to say how they really feel and not to hide their feelings. Through hiding our feelings we die.