Conflict with the war inside

When all you know is pain than to think that there is a life without pain is really hard. Its hard to imagine that there is actually a way to feel alive inside again. When I think about my life and how many choices I have had to make I don't think its fair for one person to have to live with so much. I am strong, I have had to be strong to stay here on earth. I want to stay strong but its getting so much harder. I hate my body, its not my own body. I don't want to eat but I do because I know without eating I will grow weaker. I wish I didn't have to have so much pain inside me, I wish it could all go away, but it won't, not for a long time, not ever. I am defined by everything that has happened to me. Even though I don't want it to, it does. How can you live though so much and it not define you?  Tonight its so hard describing how I feel. I think I have came to a place in my life that I never thought would be possible. I am in conflict with the war inside. I know there are many parts of me but how many I don't know. Its a daily struggle. I don't think anyone understands what I feel like on the inside. I don't think anyone truly understands because some things are so easy to cover up. Some things are meant to be kept a secret. That is the struggle, keeping the secret and letting the person inside free. Parts of me feel so trapped sometimes, even if in reality we are standing in an open field the trapped feeling is still there. How do you live free from the memories? How does one understand fully the meaning of life? Just when you think that the memories are gone, more appear, some deeper, some darker. I don't want to remember anymore but its not so easy turning the memories off. There are great days, there are dark days but when the dark days outnumber the great days then I am sad. Tonight I am sad. I have nobody to tell this to so I will pretend someone is reading this, so I can pretend someone is there. I am sad for all the lost time, I am sad for all the lost great memories that could have been made. I am sad for the little girl who had to be perfect and never was. I am sad because I lost hope that what I want for my life will really happen. I know they say I am strong, they say I am a good person, they say I am worth it, they say things that I know are truth but they feel like somebody elses truth. So I hold onto what they say because honestly its all I got. I hold onto it because it keeps me believing that life is worth living. I hold onto the fact that they care. You are probably asking who are "they"? I cannot tell you who "they" are but they know who they are. They are the only constant in my world. If I could do anything in the world I would want to do what they do because everytime I talk to them the sun comes out even if its just for a little while. So instead of trying to figure out who "they" are just try to bring some sunshine into someones life this weekend. Look for someone who might need a friend and just be there for them unconditionally. That is what "they" do and it makes a world of difference.