Fear

Right now I feel overwhelmed with life. I am not myself today, I am many people ever changing, I can feel it today more than ever. Everything is spinning so fast around me but I am going nowhere. Wonder if anyone else ever feels this way? I feel like I am stuck in a maze that has an easy solution but I can't seem to get it right. Every turn I make is the wrong turn that leads me back to where I started and some wrong turns are hurtful if not deadly. How many wrong turns have I made in my life? Where is my life going? These are the questions that fill my head today. These questions turn into essays in my head. I feel like I am the writer and editor today. I feel that when I talk to other people I must edit what I say in order to keep the mask that I am ok. If I was to describe my mask I would say that it is thick and black. "They" sometimes ask me what color I feel like and today I would say black. Black is my color which is usually my color because I feel like I am falling into a deep, dark hole of nothingness. Its not that I am bored or have nothing to do that I feel like this. Quite the opposite. I have so much to do but no motivation to do those things. When I do something I feel like I am pulling myself through something really sticky and meet everything with resistance. Resistance I am learning is a good and bad thing. It is good in that at the right time it will push you to doing better but at the wrong time it unmotivates you. That is where I am at. I see the sunlight outside and my brain wants to go for a walk but my body doesn't move. My body doesn't register that if it went outside it might feel a little better. Sometimes when I am outside I feel that I am weak and something could happen to me and lately that feeling in growing. I know I am old enough that I should be able to take care of myself, I should be ok with the world, I should be ok with who I am, I should be ok with so many things, but I am not. I hurt inside. The pain that I hold inside, keep locked away is weighing on me. I feel that a ton of rocks are sitting on me and I am still alive and all I can feel is the pain. Is it fear of the unknown that keeps me trapped? Is it fear that I might actually succeed in the world? What are you afraid of? What is haunting you so much that you feel you can't change?