Hard day

Me and my mom got into a fight about my life. She wants to see my medical files and I dont feel like I have to let her. Its not like she honestly really cares. She just wants to make sure her name isn't in them. Honestly over the past 10 years I have been batteling life she really hasn't been in my world. She has been around and she has supported me money wise but emotionally she has not been there. She tells me how much my dad loves me and I just don't see it. If he did he would show it in a different way then he is showing it. Right now, I am living on the edge of life. Sometimes I really want to live and other times I really just want to die. I am so tired of living in a world that doesn't get me and that I am the bad person. I am tired of trying to pretend I am ok when I am not. My mom said she called my therapist and talked to her and I believe that is why they are transferring me. I am not going to let my mom know where I go, if I even go. I think I am going to take myself off of all medicines. We don't really need them. We can survive without them actually we can survive with nothing. I have so much crap filling my mind right now that I feel like I can't type it all into sentences. My parents are trying to get refinced on the house and it feels like that is more important than me. I have to come up with $240 by Monday or I am off the payment plan and I won't be able to register for next semester classes. Honestly, I hate myself. Since my therapists dumped me I really don't have anyone to talk to. I have been filling that gap with food which I need to stop. I need to stop eating so much and fill that void with sleeping, studying or excersising. I wish I could really find someone to love me but that won't happen so I must give that up. Why does life have to be so filled with crap and why do I always feel alone. My mom says she loves me but I don't know. I love her but I am sure she doesnt feel that. I don't know anymore what I want to do with my life. I wish I knew.