I don't know......

I don't know anymore. I don't have any answers. I am not sure if I should be alive. I am questioning myself on so many levels. I don't know if I should be alive anymore. Why does the world have to be so complicated? When do we really begin to love ourself? How can you love yourself when you feel so much pain and nobody cares? I feel that I am the rock in my family. I am the bad part that needs cutting out. I feel that I cannot love anymore. I cannot feel. Whats happening to me? Who am I? I cannot answer that right now because I don't feel real. The world doesn't feel real. Swim lessons got canceled, probably a good thing. I have school work but I cannot do it. I want a family. I want a life. I want a good career. Somehow I don't feel that I will ever have any of that stuff. I am not capable of good things. Nobody should love me. Nobody should care about me. Its a good thing they shouldn't because they don't. If I ever feel loved its because my mind is somehow making it up. I feel scared. I feel confused. I wonder what life is about. I don't want to live but I don't want to die. I don't know what to do anymore. Lonely, that is how I feel all the time even if I have friends because they do not know the real me. Alone, that is what I will always be. Hell, that is where I am going. Heaven, not where I am going. I am bad. I don't deserve to be loved. These are the things that go around my head today. These are the thoughts I cannot get away from. How can you run from these thoughts? Wish I just had one person I could talk to. Wish I had one person who really beleived me no matter what. Wish I had one person I could really talk to with no judgement. Somehow that will never happen. I will be alone. I feel black inside. I feel black inside with no light. I feel that there is no light and never will be any. Somehow I wish I could love myself even if it was only a little bit.