Nightmares

Last night I had one of the worst nightmares I have ever experienced. It was the worst because I was being hurt but everyone I knew was standing around watching and it was like normal to them. I have nightmares all the time where I wake up and feel like its happened all over again but last night it was even more horrible because it was so vivid and nobody cared that I felt bad. It was like I was everybodys entertainment. Usually nightmares don't contain many other people but this one did and for some reason it is sticking with me more than ever. I hate myself today more than ever and what I really hate is that every single night I wake up wet. How does that go together? It just brings up more bad memories. This morning I wanted to cut so badly because I am so tired of feeling like crap and waking up and not being me. I wake up and I am not me, I am a little version of myself. This morning it took me a full hour to wake up realize that I was in the year 2012 and get out of bed and go to the bathroom. That is not ok with me. First, it has never taken me so long to get my body to move. I was awake but my body would not move. Then I was standing in the bathroom and I remembered that I was suppose to teach swim lessons. I looked at the clock and had exactly 30 mins to be there. Which is possible if I hurry. My mind wanted to go but my body didn't know if it could. I did finally make it to teach swimming but I was totally spaced out. My students are so forgiving and understanding and just plain wonderful and I don't deserve to teach them. At times I wasn't sure what I was telling them but they just swam even when I didn't say anything because I had no words they swam and the whole time they had smiles on their faces. They didn't even realize the war going on inside of me and I was glad of that. After teaching I really wanted to stay and swim or run but decided that I should not because I didn't eat breakfast and I had no motivation to swim or run. At home now I feel like I need to do stuff for school but just can't. How can I take care of that little girl in me that I so often forget? I think the key to feeling better on any level is letting the little girl free. Letting her know she is loved, how will I do that when I hate my body? I know on some level I have to like myself but why is it that now I can't seem to find that? That nightmare I know is not true and people would not just stand around me and watch me being hurt but how do I tell my little girl that its going to be ok? Only I can figure that out and only I can free her. Even now, I am not me, I am some part of me thats hurting.