Pieces and parts

Another day. Nothing makes me happy. I went to work, ate McDonalds which is the worse decision on earth, now back home just wanting to go to bed. I feel like multiple people and just because my body is sitting does not mean that is what my mind is doing. M calls and asks me how I am doing, don't know what to say to her because if I say I am fine which is really what she wants to hear I would be lying to her which she really does not want me to do. But really does she care how I feel or would she understand why. I really don't have the energy to explain things to her. If she wanted to be a part of my emotional life she should have jumped on the train years ago. Its so late now, so late to try and explain how my life experiences has shaped me into this indivdual who she doesn't like. Its hard to say because I know on so many levels she wanted this perfect life for me that didn't happen. Honestly, I have nobody but this computer screen to talk to and I guess whoever else is reading this. I don't know who I am anymore. I wake up and really what I thought today was go back to sleep. Pieces of me are everywhere, literally. I am supposed to be working, studying for school, having relationships, talking with family, but instead I am here at home in bed. Nobody will ever understand me. I don't understand me how do I expect other people to understand me. If I don't understand myself, then nobody else can be expected to. I do have goals in my life but they keep getting stamashed by things. I feel myself going farther from everything. Honestly, family wants family therapy, don't know how that will work, we all need so much work, who do we start with first, well I guess they think I am the worst so we start with me. This is going to be funny, I mean I won't be laughing but how far are we going to get? They won't get very far with me unless they are open to understanding all of me and I mean ALL of me. I don't understand this world, I don't really even know if I want to live in this world anymore. I look at my cats and they keep me going but why does this world have to be so harsh? Why can't I figure out my life? On so many levels I have been trying to figure this world out and not figured it out yet.