Rollarcoaster ride

So I am on the rollarcoaster again. Without being too graphic, I feel myself slipping back into old habits as a way with coping with everything. The thoughts race around my mind, I am trying so hard to fight them. When my thoughts say don't eat then I eat something but somehow I feel that I consume to much food and that I have no control. Why is my thoughts centered around food when they should be centered about being a successful person. Somehow I feel that I have failed at so much. I feel that no matter what I do I always end back up in the same place. I ate popcorn and grapes last night just to realize that I didn't need to eat that because I was not hungry I was just filling the terrible empty void inside of me. The sun is shining and I want to go outside today but taking the steps to get out there is so hard. Harder than its ever been. Realizing that I want to do well in school I feel that I must force myself to attend classes and do the homework. No matter if I want to take the classes or not it is against me to do poorly. This is the conflict making the person happy or making me happy and since making me happy is out of the question for now I guess I have to make the person happy. I feel as if the world is closing in around me and that any moment the world is going to open up and swallow me and parts of me don't care. How can that be? How can I not care about the dreams I once had. to list a few of those dreams: I wanted to write a book, I wanted to become a music teacher, I wanted to have a family, I wanted to travel, I wanted to become a music therapist, the list is endless because I used to dream, to think and to believe. What happened to all of that? Maybe that is part of my rollarcoaster journary. The part where a piece of me wants to follow my dreams but the other part realizes what reality I live in and the other part doesn't care anymore. So now I am back on the track of believing that if I can control what I eat I will somehow feel better. The problem is that no matter how much I want to get out and excerise I don't, there is the part of me that doesn't care. I don't think I have felt so much conflict with all the different parts of me as now. Inside there is a battle going on but I no longer want to fight this battle I no longer feel the energy to fight. There is an outside battle that I can't explain. I wish I had words for everything that I am feeling. I wish I had the answers but I don't so all I can do is continue to try and fight the fight without losing.