So many questions.

When will I ever feel ok? When will I be excited about life? I wish these were not the questions that I have to deal with everyday but I do. I have to deal with these questions and more. At this point in my life I realize there is more than one me but not everybody in my life understands this. I have a hard time sensing the change. I just feel different, everything is more comoplicated. My life seems like a never ending nightmare. One day its ok and the next I don't know whats happening. I wish I could explain to the people close to me but I can't, they wouldn't get the living hell I live in everyday. I mean the thoughts I have to deal with. The thoughts about not being good enough, not wanting to live, trying to think about the future and school and work. All these things don't always go together, at least not in my mind. My mind feels like its on fire sometimes and other times feels nothing. I question wheather my memories are real or not, I question if life is real. How do you know something is real? Is it because it hurts, is it because you feel sad? What makes something real? I wish I knew because I don't feel real. I don't feel real at all. I feel hurt, sad, confused, lost, lonely but not real. I am beginning to lose the point of life. What is the point of life? How do you relate with everyone in life? How do I even begin to sort out my life? Is it worth it? These are the questions I continue to have. Nothing is really steady in life. Not even family. I wish I knew what was happening to me. I wish I knew so many things that I don't know. I don't know how to live, I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have motivation to do the things I normally would do. I don't have the energy to do it. I don't believe in myself anymore. Today I totally wasted but felt sad the whole day. I tried to do different things but it leads me back to the same feeling of emptiness and saddness. I feel sad today, I will feel sad tomorrow and the next. It seems like that is a constant feeling. I don't like this feeling but I just feel so alone. My mind is racing in circles, its racing so fast everything is going in circles. I wish I could feel alive. What does it mean to feel alive? I wish I had friends. I wish I could feel happy.