The empty feeling

Do you ever feel that what you really want in life is so far from your reach? That is how I feel right now. I know what I want from life. I want to someone to love me for who I am, I want a baby and a family, I want to feel alive when I wake up in the morning. I want to know that someone cares about how I feel on the me level. I don't know if its just me but living alone in an apartment is emotionally really hard. I have been living alone for so long that I am almost afraid to live with someone. I feel that I am getting so old that I will be set in my ways and won't be able to tolerate living with someone else. My heart cries out everyday now, wanting to be with someone who is capable of real love. After so many years does it matter what I want anymore? I look around at most of the people I know and they seem to be happy with their life. I am not, I am good at faking that I am happy but on the inside I am not ok. I am dying and everyday that I continue to live alone not reaching out for human contact I die a little more. One of my greatest fears outside of someone hurting me is being alone my whole life and not having a child. I wish I knew why I am depressed almost everyday feeling alone. What changed? I have lived by myself for many years and never have I felt so alone. I feel that my life is closing in around me. Everything that I have ever wanted feels like its going away. My motivation for life is dying out, I can't continue pretending that I am ok when I am not. Yes, I go to school and work. Yes, I have two cats that I love but I don't even feel like petting them. Am I alone in this or do more people feel this way? Dont get me wrong I still enjoy swimming and a few other things they just don't fullfill me in the way they used to. I see people with babies and I wish I was them. They might have a terrible life but all I see is the baby. I human, something I can love. Isn't that what we all want? To love and be loved. Its so hard thinking that I will be alone my whole life. The grey cloud weighs me down today. Hopefully tomorrow will be different, that is what I keep telling myself everyday. Some days the sun does come out and I stop feeling so alone but other days the clouds come out. I wish the only emotion I had to worry about was lonely but its not. I have fear and anger from being hurt. That was when my life changed. It changed when someone took a part of me and I felt empty. The struggle has been filling that part of my back up. The problem is I keep filling it up but before it gets full it emptys again. Something else happens and I am back to where I started. What did I do, did I trust someone who let me down again? Probably, people hurt other people and that is what I am scared of. How long will I live in fear? That is what keeps me feeling empty is knowing that I am scared of being hurt so much that I remove myself from any situation where I might actually connect with another human on some level. How long will this last and how am I going to reclaim my life and who I am?