Bye to other therapist.

Today I said bye to my other therapist, Becca. It was hard but not as hard as it was saying bye to Ciara. I didn't cry but I think that was because I already cried so much saying bye to Ciara so I was conditioned. I am going back on Wednesday morning to pick up my art from Ciara. I will see her again. I am glad but I hope I don't cry again. I know it is a good thing that I am being transferred to a different therapist who can provide me more care and a different type of therapy. Art therapy is going to be good for me. We talked about what we remembered from therapy this year. We talked about the summer and how I made it through the whole summer camp experience/job with their help. Becca talked about when I first saw her and how they told her that she would be a good fit for me. They were right. She really understood me. I hope this new therapist can understand me on that level. We talked about the hospital stays and runs. How we laughed sometimes when it was hard. I don't know today just seemed unreal in a way. She said its not forever and I can come back in the future when I have some things more under control. I am beginning to believe that this could be a new step in my future that is good. I didn't think I would say that but I am. I thought I had to stay in school to continue therapy with them, which you do have to be a student but now I am free to not be in school , to take a break. I will still have a therapist. I am hoping that this new step in my life can be a good step. Where I find a full time job, start playing music again, teach piano and swimming, go swimming, learn to love myself and life to the fullest. right now I don't feel that I love life. I told Becca that I felt like we had a friendship, she felt that way too. She gave me a card that she made that had a orange sky with clouds on it and inside there are clouds in a blue sky. The idea came from Ciara when she told me that people will tell you that the sky is orange but really the sky is blue. Meaning that when people tell you that you are no good, or in the way, or anything else that people/society makes you believe then you remember that its not true and remember what Becca and Ciara believe. They believe that I am worth it, a kind person, very relisant, compassionate, they just believe that I am overall good. I need to remember and believe that. My year with them has helped me believe it just a little bit more than I believed last year. I now have two people I can think about when I need to think about positive people in my life. They will always be in my heart and they said I will be in theirs. Its interesting how such a relationship can form when people really care about each other. I hope to have more relationships like this in my life. I just have to believe that it is possible.

caring therapist

So today was the day I let go of one of my therapists. I have two therapists who work in the same office. I have been there 11 months. Last month they told me that they are referring me to a community therapist where I can get more help than they can give. That literally broke my heart. I have become so attached to them because they actually cared about me as a person. They got to know me and they helped me in so many ways stay alive. So for a month now we have been preparing for this day, the day that I would say goodbye. I don't care how much preparing you do, its not enough. I was in her office today, trying not to cry and we talked and laughed a little about things that have happened in the past year. Bottom line is alot happened. Ciara, my therapist, gave me a stone that says "remember". I cried because there is so much to remember. I will start with what she wants me to remember. She wants me to remember that I am a good person, that I am amazing, that I am caring, that I will have a great future, that I will become who I want to be, that I deserve help and I deserve to have people care about me, and I deserve to have friends. I don't remember everything she said because I was thinking of all the things that we did together. We rode in a cop car at least two times to the hospital when I felt like killing myself. She actually rode with me and tried to tell me that everything would be ok and that she cared. She cared and still does. We talked about how she called on Christmas to see how I was doing. I was amazed at that. That someone would actually call me on Christmas. She didn't have to do that. She helped me get through the summer and finish my summer job as a Waterfront Director. There were so many days that I felt like quitting but I didn't, I didn't give up because she believed in me. The thing she told me is that she still cares, she will always care, I will be in her heart and if I really need her she is there. If someone ever asks me again what I want to be when I grew up I will say to be a therapist like Ciara because her heart is so big. I cry because I will miss her laugh, her jokes, and her kindness. The thing is that because she cares so much she is transferring me, not because that is the easy way out but because she cares. I left my peach bear with her and she gave me the remember stone. When I hold that stone I will remember Ciara and how much she cares. Its hard to say goodbye to someone so amazing. Its hard but like she said its not forever. I don't know life will take me but I have to believe that this is just the next chapter in my book. I so need to write that book because my life is important. That is something I learned from Ciara. I need to write a book so that I can give back to the world that put Ciara in my life. Life is not easy and I feel lonely at times but I have to believe that things happen for a reason. On Monday I will go through this process again with my other therapist, as hard as it is I am going to another therapist who I believe will be nice and care. I am going to a place where I can have art therapy, talk therapy, and be in a art group and other groups where I will meet people who have gone through the same struggles that I have gone through. So its really not the end of my journary its the beginning of the next chapter.